The aliens came to get me the other night.
In my dreams, at least.
I dreamed that aliens were coming to Earth and everyone knew about it. They were supposed to come at 7pm and everyone was running around frantically trying to find a place to hide. There were these rows of lights underneath the ground and they would pulsate and flash, and although no one knew what the lights meant specifically, we all knew they were no good and the aliens were up to no good. I was trying to make my way to my parent's house, but for some reason I would remember something inside my house that I had to go back and retrieve. Like my flip flops. You know, important things. I never got to see the aliens though, because I woke up. I woke up in terror.
You see, I have a completely irrational fear of aliens. Evil Sister would always laugh at me about this. Whereas she was always afraid of things that could potentially happen, like burglary or being mugged, I chose to be terrified of things that could never happen, like alien invasions. "Why, of all things," she would ask, "would you be afraid of aliens?"
The thing is, I shouldn't be afraid of aliens. As a Christian, I know that God created the universe and that he did not create aliens. I know this, okay? But show me some alien documentary or something and I guarantee you that my sleep will be very fitful that night. Or I will have dreams about alien invasions and then wake up terrified. Terrified to get out of the bed. Terrified that an alien, with it's long pointy fingers and large black eyes, will appear in my bedroom doorway. Terrified that the noise I just heard was not, in fact, the ice machine, but rather an alien making its way into my house. So I just lay in bed and stare at the door, waiting for those long fingers to curl around the door frame. Telling myself that there are no aliens while my heart beats faster and faster. Very adult like, I know.
A friend of GF's is dating a guy who lives in Roswell, and when we first met him we exchanged the usual alien banter that everyone in Roswell probably has to engage in when they meet people. I must say, I was very cool about it all. Making jokes about the aliens and asking lots of questions about the crazy alien aficionados that make their way to Roswell. And it does make for great banter and good jokes, but I think I would die if I had to live in Roswell. I think I would constantly be terrified, having to go about my daily business with all that alien stuff everywhere. Of course I would play it off very well. I would pretend that those alien posters had no effect on me, but then would probably not sleep a wink that night. All those alien images would be seared in my brain and would then be projected into the darkness of night. It would be problematic, to say the least.
I shouldn't have to tell you how much the movie 'Signs' freaked me out. Seriously. Freaked me the HELL out. I think what did it was that you actually saw the aliens in that movie. If they had just implied that the aliens were there without actually showing them in all their scariness, I think I would have been alright. Maybe. Okay, probably not. It did not help that I chose to watch the movie a) by myself, b) in the dark, c) late at night, and d) while house-sitting for my parents. I'm not even sure if I slept at all that night. I remember trying to go to sleep, but I could still see a reflection on the television screen. If you remember, this is how you first saw the alien in Mel Gibson's house; through a reflection on the TV screen. Well, obviously that wasn't going to work. In fact, sleep itself just wasn't going to work that night. Not when there could have been aliens out there.
Needless to say, the aliens never came. And they never will. But if for some reason they do, which they won't, but if they do, which they can't because they don't exist, but if I'm wrong, but I'm not, but if Roswell really happened, which it didn't, but if our friend from Roswell is actually an alien, which of course he's not, 'cause aliens DO NOT exist, but what if THEY DO, but THEY DON'T, but just in case, I'll be sleeping with one eye open.
What are y'alls irrational fears?